Letting Go

Forty-seven star-studded nights and twenty-five full work days. Six more packed weekends of final memory-making adventures and good-bye parties with my kids and friends. One final week-long stay at the orphanage and one more grad. school class to start. It's all that remains of my time in this beautiful place that's given me the five most incredible yet most challenging years of my life. And my heart continues to overflow with awe and gratitude. No matter the depths of the difficulties we face, the magnitude of heart-wrenching injustices that surround us, or the giant sum of life-altering changes that turn our worlds upside down, one thing remains: His love never fails, and His goodness knows no end. Sure, there are days when I definitely don't believe this...nor do I act like I do...but His boundless grace always, ALWAYS pulls me back into the arms of His love and truth. I honestly don't know how He can handle constantly dealing with me and my floundering ways, but He does...and it just blows me away every. single. time. Do we really have ANY idea how much He loves us? I don't think our mental capacities can contain it. And that's ironically most likely why we don't always believe it. Just like that knight in shining armor who is supposed to come and take us off into the brilliant sunset...it seems too. dang. good. to. be. true. BUT IT'S TRUE. And we have to believe it...to let that truth pervade each. and. EVERY. aspect. of. our. lives. Yes, even those comforts that we just can't let go of. Even those chronic sins we think we'll never conquer. Even those innumerable "UNFAIR!" cries we cry. Even those overwhelming things we think we'll never understand. Even the lies we just want to keep believing. Even those dark corners of ourselves that we want no one to see. And even those insecurities that keep us from believing in our dreams, our worth, and just how we fit into the giant puzzle and grand scheme of things. So let's let go...and let Love in. It's what I've been slowly learning these past 5 years through community living, sacrificing comforts, seeking justice, and turning to less-than-best "security." As I prepare to leave this place, I'm going to keep letting go, as tough as it will be. Oops, I didn't plan to preach in this one...stay tuned for my upcoming photo documentary! :)

Sealed With Love from CA

As I gaze out through the wooden cafe doors onto the sun-kissed, cobblestone street of Antigua, Guatemala, the lively rush of both tourists and natives alike hushes to the slurping sound of the final drops of my deliciously refreshing moccachino coffee drink(the giant tower of whip cream had, of course, vanished long before the slurping had even begun). And just like any good slurp-er, my thumb and pointer finger oh-so-precisely guide my straw around every single inch of the bottom rim of my 16-oz plastic cup...not a single caffeine-drenched drop can afford to go to waste...it truly is amazing to the very last drop (if you happen to know anything about coffee:). And I'm relishing each and every one of them... And so it is as I relish each and every one of the final moments that remain of my nearly 5-year pendulum-like journey in Latin America. My prayer each day is that my great God would guide my feeble steps to the richness that remains in each of my final 80-something days of this sweet, sweet place that captured my heart, my soul, my life so many years ago. And as I pray, each sip towards the end of the journey gets better and better. As the cup of experience dwindles to emptiness, the joy in my soul fills with a new admiration of what's slipping between my finger tips. I truly love Honduras and Central America for so many reasons, and every day I am remembering to give thanks for the commonplace experiences that will soon become cherished memories. The word "antigua" means "old" or "having long held a place," and soon this life I've come to know and love will be archived into a past of life-transforming tastes of heaven. So for now, as I take it all in and feel the nostalgia rising up like steamed milk, an urgency to re-record a list of my favorite things fills my thoughts. So I'll spill them all out here, for your reading enjoyment [hopefully. *fingers crossed*]. If I were to bottle up all of the best of C.A., wrap it up like a treasure box of gems, and seal it with a kiss for the beloved generations to follow me, I'd make sure to include: The smell of the air...so unique from anywhere else I've ever been...one sniff of it, and my mind goes reeling with C.A. memories. All of the amazing foods and drink I tried and just kept devouring after my first year here...plantains of all shapes and kinds, tamarind straight from the tree (what I wouldn't give to climb one of those again!), cocobaleadas, horchata, dirt cheap open-air markets of fruit and veggies, mangoes, pupusas, refried beans in a bag, fresh FRESH flour tortillas, tres leches, Espresso Americano, chilenas, licuados, water from a bag, heck, anything from a bag, sipping sodas in a bottle with a straw, fresh lemongrass tea, fresh-squeezed tropical fruit juices of all kinds, ceviche, street food (especially the meat...and the smell of it grilling, too!), and I'm sure more...as you can tell, I love FOOD.:) The incredible hospitality that Hondurans provide to any and everyone whom enters their homes. "Take off your shoes (or not, actually), stay a while, and let us serve you all of the best food we possibly can....and make sure to come back...a lot.":) Hitchhiking....shhhhh....it's really not as dangerous as they say, I promise! "You need a ride? Sure, hop into the back of my truck....with the 20 other people already back there!" Seriously, this has been my biggest Honduras hobby...no joke! I'd do my 7-hr hitchhiking trip from the coast to the capital with my best friend Dorie all over again! Hiking/running/exploring in the majestic mountains here...Minnesota is a little sparse with those! Everyday and on every run I am thankful to be able to enjoy the beauty we've been graced with here. Traveling through three countries at a time in all of one week! And experiencing nearly all of Central America so cheaply! We are always blown away by how God provides places to stay along the way! The national and rainforests here, incredible waterfalls, volcanoes, surfing beaches, remote islands, cliff jumping, strictly uphill running races, the Pacific and Caribbean Oceans...SO MUCH natural beauty...un-be-liev-able!!! Our Creator...He's good. THE most beautiful children in the WORLD. Wow. Seriously. If I could snatch one of them up and take him or her back home on the plane with me, I would...and I just may. Included on this list would be my godson and little Gaby, whom I worked with my first year here. The incredible sense of community and family here. Trust me, I am dreading the return to a more individualistic culture back home. Anyone want to live in community, pretty please? Public transportation...though I have a love/hate relationship with it.:) But you can't help but giggle at overflowing rapiditos and chicken buses, especially as you try to stay standing in one as it maneuvers mountain curves! But hey, the sense of community is great there, too. "You need help with your grocery bags? I'll hold them for you!" We're all one big, happy family.:) Regular encounters with familiar faces from years past as people return to visit...my favorite was a reunion on a Guatemalan street corner this past week! What? Yep. These people actually sort of understand this crazy life that I live. Translating...a feat I never thought I could accomplish but now am blessed to use to serve co-workers and friends that visit...SO FUN! Especially when I get the languages mixed up and speak to people in the wrong one.:) The beautiful colors here...so many blooming flowers and fruit stands of every color around every corner! Ok, if you got to the end of this list, I commend you...I may just keep extending it as the days go on. But for now, I'm going to keep on slurping up all the details!

A Whisper and a Promise

It all began with a whisper of a promise: "This is our love story." It was the last week of June in 2008, and I was on my knocking knees in desperate fear. I was all alone, in a country not my own, surrounded by a language I did not understand and did not believe I would ever master. And yet God, in His loving-kindness, chose that very moment to soothe me with His love and remind me of the great plans He had for my time in Honduras; a length of stay unbeknownst to me at that time. Well, we all know that God writes incredible love stories...stories of adventure, hope, heroic battle, victory, and romance. And yet, as characters in His great novels, we also know that He disciplines those He loves. And so has been my partnership with the Lord in this great "love story" of the past 4 years and 8 months. I've been beyond blessed to accomplish and experience amazing feats I never thought of or dreamed to be possible (i.e. learning Spanish, returning to grad. school, and returning to running competition). I've seen the beauty of His Creation in little corners of this ginormous world I never imagined I'd visit, from remote towns in Honduras to the breath-taking Mayan ruins of Tikal, Guatemala. I've learned and continue to take hold of the religion that is considered pure and faultless: truly loving orphans and widows in their distress. I've also learned that true love is more of a commitment than anything else. I've knocked things off the "bucket list" before I even knew they were there. I now always lose at the "I've never..." game with my students, because there's just not much I haven't done yet...WOW...and it is all by God's unbelievable grace. I serve a great, great God and stand in awe of how unworthy I am of the many gifts and blessings He loves to shower down on His children. Yet these riches haven't come without great cost. While I now more intimately understand His love and grace, what walks hand in hand with this realization is a deeper understanding of why Jesus warned us that the path to true life is narrow. These blessings have not come without first experiencing the uncovering of some of the deepest fears and insecurities in my life, some of the darkest hours of the night, and some of the most difficult losses of the soul. I've truly learned what it means to depend on and cling to Him for EVERYTHING, and also just how scary that trust can be at times. In His unfathomable grace, He both gives and takes away. But in all, He is GOOD. And His love endures forever. Perhaps I'm particularly nostalgic today because I am realizing more and more that my time here in Honduras is getting shorter and coming to a looming end. As some of you know, following several months of prayer, I have felt called to finally return to the States to be with my family at the end of June this year. While I look forward to the many exciting changes that await me there, I also begin to mourn the ending of this beautifully full chapter of His love story. I dread the good-byes and the unknowns, yet I know His plan is perfect. And so I choose to fully embrace these final 4 months of my adventure in Honduras, seeking to remain fully present in every moment and striving to give my all in every relationship His has given me for an eternal purpose. So as I step into these final stages of the most impacting "era" of my life, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for focus, strength, discernment, presence, opportunity, salvation, and answered petitions. Prayers for proper closure, divine moments, and unforgettable revelation. As this stage of the love saga comes to a close, I pray with all of my heart that I can whisper back at Him, "I did it all for You. And every moment was worth it. Your Love gave me everything I needed, and the hand I held never let me go." So if I disappear for a while, have no fear....I'm lost in the moment, carried away by His love song to me in Honduras.

Preachin' to Transition

You can preach to the choir, preach to the converted, preach to the wall... Or you can preach to yourself. And usually it's preaching to yourself that reaps the greatest learning. It's been happening for me since November. For my most difficult grad. school class to date, I was responsible for leading psychoeducational group sessions (don't worry about it) on the topic of change. We spent a great deal of time as a group discussing a concept relatively new in its definition yet familiar in its manifestation in our lives: transition shock.

By definition, transition shock is "a state of loss and disorientation predicated by a change in one's familiar environment which requires adjustment." While we experience transitional change all the time, it is rarely spoken of, and its symptoms are generally unacknowledged. But oh, are these symptoms many: feelings of helplessness and withdrawal, irritability, desire for home and old friends, physiological stress reactions, and boredom, to name a few. Because of the constant change that accompanies our lives, transition shock occurs more often than we are aware of, and there is a name behind its signs.

After returning to Honduras from the U.S. a week and a half ago, I started experiencing all of the symptoms of transition shock listed above. Because of the awesome time of vacation I had in the States, it has been my most difficult transition BACK to the country which I have cherished and called my own for 4.5 years. Soon after my return, the weeks of learning and teaching about such a newly acknowledged concept developed a heartbeat. So much of the information I had digested and then presented (with all the professionalism I could muster as a counselor, mind you) took on new life for me...breath was breathed on a personal level. I suddenly had to apply what I had learned in a real way.

Because of this difficult transition, I find myself at a loss of what to do...it seems I can only wait out the storm. Amid the myriad of emotions that are tossed back and forth day to day, I realize that I can but cling to my Strong Tower, my Life Raft, my Secure Anchor. And in this act of dependence, the beauty of faith is revealed. Sure, I could apply all of the methods and strategies given to combat this psychological reality of transition shock, but true solace and lasting peace can only really be found in utter dependence on something greater than myself. Trying to independently overcome this phase places all of the work and potential failure on myself. Dependence uncovers the impeccability of grace. In letting go, I receive SO MUCH MORE. No effort on my part can do what grace can. It's intangible, nonsensical, incomprehensible...and therefore incredible. And it makes me stand even more in awe of our great God.

In times of crashing waves all around us, the anchor remains planted. And in clinging to this firm foundation, we re-learn the gift of praise. Praise to the Creator of the storm, the Maintainer of the storm, the Refuge from the storm, and the Calm after the storm. And so I wait...and faith grows...and grace is revealed...and praise is birthed. It is well with my soul. And I don't mind preaching to myself.

"For men swear by one greater than themselves...In the same way... we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us of the soul..."--Hebrews 6:17-20

What It's All About

It all began with a little 6-year-old's big dream: "I want to raise money for the orphans in Honduras."

And money did he raise. One thousand dollars, in fact, by means of a simple letter to his church. Ah, the innocent plea of a child gets 'em every time.:)

It all began in the compassionate heart of a 6-year-old boy whom I don't even know. Yet three other co-workers, a 10th-grade student of ours, and I all reaped the incredible blessings of this young visionary's heartfelt dream. We shopped all over town to find necessities and special gifts for 65 of the kids at the NPH Ranch. We then piled the gift bags of goodies into the car and arrived to my 2nd home, ready to experience the true meaning of Christmas.

Upon arrival, I graciously witnessed the first of the many blessings we would gradually experience throughout the day: the collision of my two worlds, work and the place where I left my heart so many years ago. Watching our student, Sara, fall in love with some of the most beautiful kids in the world, just as I did in the exact same place over 7 years ago, was so incredibly sweet to my soul. Here was another young person, there to experience my world, experience my heart, experience her own deepest passion, and eventually take her life-changing experience back with her to our school. It was an experience so sweet to the soul, and these matching smiles capture only a glimpse of the true joy they both found that day.

Another blessing occurred as we watched the 40+ kids, aged 4-9, patiently waiting for each of their friends to receive a gift before finally ripping into theirs in sheer excitement. The circle they formed was one of anticipation, and the reward they received for their patience exploded with grins.

Each and every kid became completely engrossed in his or her own little treasure, and not a single gem found in the bag was left unrecognized, unappreciated. They were entertained for so long with simple gifts that cost a total of around $12/each.

My co-worker commented on their oohs and aahs by comparing these young ones to his grandchildren. He told me how each of them would have torn open the gift and been uninterested after two minutes; these gifts, for them, were an overabundance and an excess, with the thousands of toys left unattended in a nearby room serving as obvious witnesses. These kids before us, however, these orphans, were receiving gifts that were full of love, full of necessity, full of His presence....and they just couldn't let go of that presence. Their echoes of "gracias!" filled that place, their God-shaped hearts, and right down to their very lively spirits.

Our final round that day consisted of visiting my godson's home and continuing to shower the older boys with love and gifts. These boys received their blessings quietly and returned to the activity their were participating in, but those that lingered truly graced us with His peace. They lingered to play with our hair (13-15-yr-old boys!), show us the purses and hats they had learned to crochet (13-15-yr-old boys!), and tell us all that they were learning in their vacation courses at school. The atmosphere was very calm, but His presence was just a sweet aroma through the hearts of these young men, still longing for the love and affection they can't find with parents, nor in a special home they can call their own.

The faces and the hugs of those kids whom I know so well truly touched the hearts of my co-workers that day, and I reveled in sharing my secret treasure with them. But the biggest treasure of all was experiencing the true meaning of Christmas alongside them...the act of giving to those in need. No greater joy can be found anywhere but in that very moment.

And it all began with a little 6-year-old boy's dream. We truly are inheritors of His great, overflowing, kingdom of gifts, and it is a delight to share this inheritance from our Father of Lights, God Emmanuel, Giver of all good gifts. It is in the giving that we truly receive. It is in the giving that we experience the true meaning of Christmas. FELIZ NAVIDAD, everyone!!

Here's to You!

To everyone who has walked a mile, shed a tear, shared a hug, prayed a prayer, and comforted me on a sleepless night...

THANK YOU. To everyone who's sent me snail mail and packages (especially candy;), written emails, and actually read this blog...

THANK YOU. For all of your words of encouragement, passion for the Lord's ministry down here, and financial support...

THANK YOU. Your support has provided blessed trips home to see loved ones, gifts for my godsons, resources and conversation starters for my students, and a spiritual and emotional strength that has been so needed...

SO HERE'S TO YOU. Here's to all of you who remind me that I am part of something greater, something sometimes out of my sight or reach....yet something that continually gives me hope and trust in my Great God. Here's to all of you who, despite the distance, have not given up on love or friendship.

IT MEANS MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW! So here's to you--all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have stuck by my side through the mountains and valleys of this journey with my godson (now 15!!) and great love story with my King... I couldn't have made it this far without your support. And so, as I count my blessings today and always, I count you.

I GIVE THANKS TO GOD FOR YOU! May you all receive 100-fold of all that you have given me. LOVE YOU ALL! JJ

Piggybackin'

She's the little girl with the toothy grin and baby doll giggle. She's the lovable lightweight you just can't resist scooping up in your arms.

She's the 8-year-old beauty I first met when she arrived to the orphanage at the young age of four, her mom on her deathbed, preparing to leave behind seven young children in the wake of cancer's sting. She's the brave survivor who suddenly lost her oldest sister, her surrogate mom, in a tragic accident on New Year's eve nearly two years ago.

She's an orphan two times over, and while the scars speak through those tender eyes, life has not yet left them; She is a child of hope. She is a child of joy. And of laughter. And of endless love and smiles. She's my Gaby girl.

I encountered her on the Ranch just after mass a pair of Saturdays ago, and as she approached me and clung to my left leg, I swooped her up in my arms and squeezed her tight, just as I always do. And as I held her close, I felt my heart beat just a little quicker. That Gaby girl, she has such a way of doing that. And it makes my soul smile.

"Where are you going, Jenna?" she asks in her sweet, high-pitched voice. Well, I wasn't headed in her same direction, but love has a way of changing your footsteps. So I swooped her up once again, but this time on my shoulders. It was time to piggyback her to her "hogar," where I would drop her off for the night before returning to be with my godson.

The walk was a mere 10 minutes in length, but its memory has resonated in my spirit for over two weeks now. With Gaby on my shoulders, her arms and legs locked around my neck, and her lively spirit holding me up, we pickyback'd it together on the moonlit evening stroll. It was all child's play: I'd pretend to steer off the path, she'd tip over, and I'd make sure to steady her again. I'd twirl her around once, and her giggle would echo back twice or three times. I'd pick up the pace and "giddy-up" like a horse, and she would completely lose it in hearty laughter. Though it was dark, my heart could see her smile. And in those 10 moments, I was the happiest I'd been all week.

In those 10 moments, little Gaby filled the holes of my heart needing the innocence of a child's love. In those 10 moments, God whispered a sweet reminder of my purpose here. In those 10 moments, all was right with the world. It's amazing what the love of a child can do to your soul.

She's my Gaby girl. And I probably don't need to mention that she stole my heart over four years ago and still holds on tight to it each and every day. She's my Gaby girl, and I'd piggyback with her any day, to all my heart's content.