Al Revés

Al revés: Spanish for "the other way around," "on the contrary," or "the wrong way round." This phrase most perfectly describes my most recent revelation of the calling God has placed upon me down here in Honduras. It has definitely not "turned out" the way I had ever imagined it would.

Upon my first trip to the country, at the young age of 24, I had the same inexperienced yet passionate and determined yet perhaps naive mindset that most young people share: I wanted to change the world. I wanted to save my sponsor child from his 'depraved, unfortunate situation,' bring him to the States, and teach him English (after all, there was NO WAY I was going to learn Spanish!). I wanted to love on kids from the orphanage once or twice a year for a week at a time, just so they could finally experience the love of Christ that was flowing out of a willing (yet ignorantly prideful) servant of His.

After living here for quite some time and humbly witnessing my many failed attempts at relationships with children and students from the orphanage, students and families at the school, and even personal friendships with both Hondurans and foreigners, I have often questioned any changes I have even made in my "dedicated service unto the Lord." I'm supposed to write home of the miracles, life transformations, and spiritual victories I have experienced as a result of my "faithful response" to His calling here, right? Isn't the crime-ridden, poverty-stricken, oppressed country of Honduras supposed to be different, albeit one individual at a time, due to my presence here? Isn't that the reason God called me here?

Perhaps. Yes, perhaps I have witnessed positive life transformation and restored relationships. Perhaps God has surprised me a time or two with the confession of a student and the outpouring of a healing love from an orphan. But perhaps these reasons are not those for which God has called me here. Perhaps, rather than sending me here to "change the world," He sent me here to change ME.

How have I changed? I've learned that the world and its many diverse cultures look hugely different than that of the U.S. I've learned that the U.S. is just as messed up (due to the sin that resides everywhere on this earth) as developing countries; we just hide our sin and shame better. I've learned to be fully present in every moment, which was so difficult for SO many years as I country-hopped. I've learned that, for so many years, I made ministry about me and how much I was appreciated, accepted, and loved by those in my care; it was not about His glory. If I never receive a single ounce of love in return of what I pour out, it doesn't matter; Christ IS enough. The Lord had to strip me of every "easy" ministry relationship in order for me to realize that, without Him, I can do NOTHING (John 15:5). I MUST become less so that He can become greater (John 3:30). I've learned that the Christian road is VERY narrow, and even so-called "Christians" do not dare tread upon it; the suffering is far too painful, the cost far too high, and the comfort far too sparse. I've learned to die unto myself daily, because "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me" (Galatians 2:20). I've learned that, if God has called me here for four years simply to impact the life of a single individual, everything was worth it...everything. It's all about quality and not quantity. And finally, I've learned more than I ever before could even comprehend just how God has designed each and everyone of us for RELATIONSHIP--with Him and each other. We CANNOT survive without those healthy relationships. As His children, we need to stop running from each other (to sin, comfort, and our own pride) and learn to bring our brokenness to one another so that we can rightly restore humanity as the relational entity that it is.

So there you have it...God has sent me here to BE changed. And my prayer is that, as He changes me, through my weakness, brokenness, and humility, He will somehow change the world. I may never witness just what that change looks like, but it doesn't matter...El Roi, the God Who Sees, knows the work He is doing. And it's all about Him anyway. We just have to acknowledge that we all have it "Al reves" and need to let Him change us. Are we willing??