Ponderings: Humbled and Stripped

Hey folks, prepare yourself for some deep thoughts here...I've been feeling like I need to share with y'all the things (namely tough!) which God has been showing me throughout the past month or so...so hold on to your hats and be prepared for honesty...
Well, first off, God showed me something pretty profound last Monday—a sort-of culmination of the spiritual insights he had recently given me--in a very concrete, physical, hands-on way.
I was on the slow return home from my first vacation time here—I had had an amazing time traveling through Guatemala and Belize with 2 friends from home and my sister—and now my sister and I were spending a bit of time on the Honduran coast before returning to the Ranch where I work. It was a bit late, and we are two very tall blondes who happened to be carrying big purses with the words, “Guatemalan Coffee” written on them...and I was taking a picture of one of the night views on our walk—we totally screamed 'tourists!!' That's pretty much when I became an easy target for a mugging. It was scary, it happened fast, and I lost everything. I had been in the habit while in Guatemala of keeping ALL of my valuables with me in my purse, because I didn't trust some of the places we were staying, and we had been traveling so much that it was just easier to keep my stuff close to me. Well, when we arrived in Honduras, I should have left my things in our hostel, but I felt so much more comfortable in my 'home' country and didn't give a 2nd thought to my belongings. And so, yes, I lost EVERYthing valuable, to make a long story short. It was so hard to deal with this afterwards, and I was just scared and angry at the world. I don't consider myself a very 'materialistic' person, but I was the SADDEST about losing my (BRAND NEW!) camera with ALL of the pictures from our trip (and have I mentioned that I'm really into photography lately and my camera takes GREAT pictures??). I was left feeling so violated and empty and just wanted to return home to the States as fast as I possibly could. All I wanted was comfort and security.
And so begins the introduction to the theme of my life and struggles here in Honduras. It provokes the question: how would I or do I react when I am stripped of the things that are 'me?' Not so well, I've learned. A verse came to mind today that explains life here well: “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her...” --Hosea 2:15
I feel like the Lord has purposely lead me into the valley a few times in my life to allow Himself to be heard amidst my tendencies to avoid or be distracted from things...and it becomes more and more clear while here that this place is another 'desert' for me from where I can learn more about the Lord's character and how MY character is SO different from His and how I need to learn FROM Him to become more LIKE Him...and it is when I become more like Him that I find true LIFE...but a dying, stripping process happens in the meantime.
ways I've been very humbled:
--I've learned just how much 'ME' time I like in my life, and just how crabby I get when I don't get that 'Me' time. Here on the Ranch, it's definitely hard to get away from people, and especially the kids here. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my kids, but when they are at my door so many hours of the day, I get pretty selfish. I always knew I was an introvert (though no one yet believes me), but this quality has been exemplified here as I struggle to find time to myself. Why do I need so much alone time? Yes, it's important, but don't these kids here NEED me? And doesn't my spanish greatly improve when I spend time with them---which is what I want?? It's a constant battle, and I feel very selfish in the ways I use and want my time...and things. I've always wanted to be a parent but wonder how selfish I would be if I actually had little rascals calling, 'MOMMY!' all day long...
--I've learned how much 'comfort' I long for...good foods, a HOT shower, money, my own car, my own language, friendships that are easy, ministry and job roles which I'm an 'expert' at, etc etc. I don't feel like I have much of any of these things here, and I am experiencing that 'grass is greener' affect which leaves one constantly feeling a longing for 'better' things. Some days, it just seems so much easier to pack up my bags and go back to my 'previous' life when I didn't have to plan to much ahead of time to obtain what I wanted, needed, etc. I don't necessarily miss the fast pace of America, but I do miss the sense of being able to do things in my 'own' way.
--It's REALLY hard to love day-in, day-out, no matter the circumstance and no matter the attitude or receptiveness of the other person. Yes, I know that I love my kids, but sometimes I feel more impatience, tiredness, or frustration than anything else. And sometimes my Honduran friendships here are so different than those in the US and I am confused by the cultural differences...and am often let down when I depend too much on the new friends I have. And when my godson, on his birthday during the party which I planned for him, said, “I'm bored.” and “The shirt doesn't fit me.” rather than, “Thank you,” I just wanted to throw in the towel and say, “Well, you know that I really didn't HAVE to do this,” and “Do you realize what I did for you because I love you?” And then I remembered how much God loves us when we're ungrateful...and just how ungrateful I can be...and how often I don't say, “thanks” and instead take things for granted. Ouch. It's amazing how God shows up and teaches us through kids, huh?
So yeah, I share these 'tough lessons' with the hopes that some of them can resonate with you and some deserts of discipline maybe you've been through with God. I feel very called to be here, and I see His beauty and purpose in so many things, but it's the 'non-emotional' things that at times make me question my effectiveness here and lead me right back into the Lord's arms...oh, to be so needy...it is a difficult yet perfect place to be. The more time I spend in a developing country, the smaller I feel...the needs of His people are SO great. Rather than feeling like I'm conquering the world, I'm try to just do what I can day by day...hoping to survive...haha.
But I do find hope, even more purpose, and encouragement in the way in which the verse in Hosea concludes: “...[in the desert] I will give her back her vineyards, and I will make...a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth...”
I sense some singin' coming soon.:)
Love to you all!!